Not content with blowing all the leaves off the trees and making that bloke what runs America’s hair look all stupid and that, Storm Gavin hit Wivenhoe with a vengeance yesterday delivering its own brand of chaos to the town’s third-world standard roads.
Suddenly, instead of trying to avoid falling into bottomless sinkholes, Wivenhoe’s drivers had to swerve around bags of paper recycling, sacks of rotting garden waste and unwanted plastic as the town took on the appearance of a live-action version of Mario Carts meets Stig of the dump.
Wivenhoe-based plumber Mario Nintendo told me: “What’sa matter you, it’sa notsa bad, it’sa nicer place, ah shuduppa ya face. It’sa bonkers outta thera. Toucha my car I smacka ya face.” But sadly, I don’t speak Welsh and so the conversation sort of petered out from there.
Wivenhoe Mayor, Dame Dannii Minogue has warned locals: “The impending doom of Storm Gordon is sure to make driving conditions challenging. I’d advise drivers to avoid using the roads if at all possible, but if they have to drive it’s probably best that they drive as fast as they can to get the journey over and done with quickly.”