You’ve got to pity poor Kylie Minogue. Though recognised the world over for her extraordinary acting talent and stupendously average singing voice, once she enters Wivenhoe she plays second string to her far superior sister. Home and Away star Dannii may not have enjoyed the chart success of her short-arsed sibling and the fact that she didn’t appear in Street Fighter the movie like Kylie did means she can never be considered a true cinematic icon, but her work in Wivenhoe has changed the way the world thinks about her.
Crowned mayor back in 1982, Dame Dannii has won hearts and minds across the country for the sterling work she has carried out for the small community of marijuana farmers, tinkers and philosophers that make up the backwater that is Wivenhoe. From introducing breakdancing to the Co-op in 1984 to ensuring that there is a pub within spitting distance of any church or place of worship, the list of endeavours that she’s performed for this community knows no bounds. But now, she faces her stiffest challenge yet as teeny, tiny tears Kylie plans to take her on in the next mayoral election.
Kylie announced her intention at a press briefing yesterday by the pond, near the gravel pit. She told the Brightlingsea and Wivenhoe Chronicle’s Derek Scarpenter: “For too long my sister has ruled this community with an iron fist, I think it’s time for a change. I can’t promise you that I’ll shake things up or make your lives better in any way – in fact, they’ll probably get worse. I have no policies to speak of and couldn’t care less about the well being of all you dirty poms, but I can do a selection of suggestive poses with different cute animals and if I win, I’ll do a different one every second Thursday of the month in a different Wivenhoe location.”
Nobel-prize winning Dannii appears to be unfazed by her sister’s actions and told The Watcher: “Kylie’s always been like this. If I had pound for every time she flashed her arse to upstage me, I’d be made of money. I believe the people of Wivenhoe will see sense and vote for the policies that will continue to enrich their lives.”
The election takes place in March