Bear Grylls has achieved so much in his short, but gorgeous life. From being the youngest man to climb Everest to being the hottest guy to put a live scorpion in his mouth and sleeping inside of a hollowed out camel’s carcass, the head of the Boy Scout movement is a real-life action man.
So it came as no surprise when the host of TV’s The Island announced a new and terrifying challenge to the world just three days ago. Bear decided that he would risk life and limb by trying to make his way from Brightlingsea to Wivenhoe, travelling along the river Colne using just his survival skills, a knife and an iPhone.
Though things started off well, Bear very quickly found himself spiraling from a tunnel of doom into a pit of despair.
As he explained to The Watcher: “In a survival situation you need to think about three things: food, water and the continuation of the species through reproduction. For the first 10 minutes I was fine drinking water from the river and eating rat’s droppings to sustain my energy levels, but things went bad when I moved onto the reproduction bit…”
Though details remain unclear, it appears that Grylls tried to have his devilish way with a number of creatures and onlookers claimed to have seen him with his pants around his ankles chasing after a seagull, a sea trout and some whelks he found washed up on shore.
Tragically the experiment was bought to an early conclusion after 25 minutes and Ray Mears was called in to save the day with an emergency supply of Mars bars. A disconsolate Grylls was found slithering around in the mud dehydrated, half starved and in a heightened state of hysteria.
He’s now resting in Colchester hospital, where he plans to continue to ensure the human race flourishes as soon as he’s better