Since the weekend, Wivenhoe residents have reportedly been haunted by the evil spectre of a mega-bastard while trying to go about their business in and around Wivenhoe graveyard. Local lad Gary Bargepole told of how the ghostly apparition came and tipped his disabled mother out of her wheelchair and then hovered over her laughing and saying: “Ha ha, serves you right for being disabled” meanwhile Wivenhoe’s resident working-class poor person Ken Staplegun was horror struck when the ghost tripped him over, spat in his face and laughingly exclaimed “Wooooo, that’s for being poor. Next time I take your pension and your Police Academy DVDs you plebby scum shunter”.
Retired ghostburster, Egon Spengler (age 31, from Brightlingsea) told The Watcher: “This spectre has all the markings of Nos Fer-Arsetoo Deetoo– truly one of the nastiest, self-centred little tossballs of hatred ever shat out of the depths of hell. Think Nigel Farage crossed with Hitler, multiplied by Michael Aspel and mixed with dog shit and you start to get the idea.”
Residents have been warned to avoid the ghostly form, particularly if they are disabled, poor, claim benefits, hope to use the NHS again, enjoy the BBC, care about other people and aren’t a complete and utter Jeremy Hunt.