The sprawling North-Eastern Essex Metropolis of Wivenhoe was thrown into mild disarray yesterday, following the announcement of mega-bastard Rupert Murdoch’s intention to buy Wivenhoe Bookshop.
Murdoch, who made his evil millions working as a soldier of fortune in the LA Underground with Colonel Breakfast at Tiffany’s and BA Maracas in the late eighties, has plans to burn all of the books inside and replace them with old copies of his excellent newspapers, which are full of all that good stuff that makes life in the UK such a pleasure.
Howling mad Murdoch announced his attention via the front page of his muck spreader, The Scum, saying: “For too long now, the people of Wivenhoe have regarded themselves as better than everyone else just cos they’ve got an effing bookshop. Everyone knows that the only books worth reading are by Clarkson, McNabb and Grisham – anything else is just the sort of bumwash that posers, ponces and puffballs pretend they enjoy to try and impress one another. Well no more. Let’s give the people what they want: tits, tittle tattle, toss, todgers and more tits.”
Sue Thing, who owns the bookshop, told The Watcher: “I’ll be honest with you, most people only really come in for the Grayson Perry tote bags, and I’ve not sold a single book since Dan Brown brought out his excellent Da Vinci Code. How am I supposed to make a living when there’s a bleeding library up the road hawking all their wares for free?”
Over the years, Ms Thing, aged 25, has rebuffed generous offers to buy the bookshop from the quite delicious Paul Dacre, hair enthusiast Donald Trump and someone called Alan Hitler. It’s believed that it’s unlikely that she’ll let a scrawny weasel like Rupert the bear get his way on this one.
As she so eloquently puts it: “Who’d have thought books would be such a drawer for such a hive of scum and villainy? I’m holding out for a better offer. In fact, I’m holding out for a hero. A hero til the end of the night. He’s gotta be strong, and he’s gotta be fast and he’s gotta be fresh from the fight. Either that or Waterstones.”