Another night, another glittering star-studded awards ceremony in down-town Wivenhoe. But while Monday night saw awards for Rear Of The Year and Tuesday hosted Gregg’s Chicken Pasty Eater 2017, it was the announcement of this year’s Mega Bastard that really drew in the crowds. With stars jetting in from all corners of the world, the likes of end-of-the-world-bringer Kim Jong-un rubbed shoulders with potty mouthed bullshit machine Katie Hopkins, while orange-faced child-brained small hands Donald Trump munched on canapes and swapped tales of extreme bastardry with previous winners broom-broom bastard Jeremy Clarkson and vapid silicone storage unit Katie Price.
2017 marked a high point for the awards, with the main title of Mega Bastard Supreme proving to be one of the most hotly contested in living memory. While seasoned campaigner and reigning champion for the past five years Michael Gove once again ran a strong campaign, it was widely suspected that Nigel Farage, Noel Edmonds or Donald Trump would take the spoils this time around. But then from out of the shadows stepped Jacob Rees Mogg with a perfectly timed slice of double bastardry that the judges felt made him the only possible choice.
Jacob, you really are a man of the people and we, the simple plebs of Great Britainshire, bow down before your supreme mastery of the art of Mega Bastardry. God bless you sir!