Gorgeous natural beauty and the first ever lady in the United States of Merica, Melamine Trumpet drew condemnation from the cream of the North Essex press yesterday afternoon when she chose to visit the small town of Wivenhoe while brazenly wearing a jumper showing her support for its sworn enemy – the backwards hovel of Brightlingsea, itself the subject of a UN investigation into the price of its ice cream.
Like a modern-day Mother Theresa, Lovely Melodica has just completed a tour of the Braintree slaughterhouse, where she was widely praised for the way that she mocked cows by dangling bits of steak at them before driving through Jaywick and waving wads of cash at the slack-jawed locals who stared on in disbelief.
Speaking to a shitting dog down by the bins, Melony exclaimed: “It is so quaint zee vay zat you do sings here in the Yoo of Kay. In Hamerica, where my father, excuse me, husband, is the king of the land, we lock children in prisons or give zem guns to kill vun another, zat’s vot makes us great. You still have so much to learn…”
After spending her morning riffling through the bins while cackling like a James Bond villain, the former model is understood to be heading to Colchester zoo, where she plans to spend her afternoon laughing at the caged animals.