There was concern for the residents of Wivenhoe this morning when it emerged that a migrant has washed up on the salt marshes of neighbouring hovel Brightlingsea. Described by locals as looking “a bit foreign” and “stinking of fish”, the bedraggled woman is understood to be one of those boat people that’s escaping a viscious regime from some faraway third-world backwater like Scotch or Whales-land.
Local fisherman Backwards Ken discovered the exhausted redhead this morning when he went to have his bi-annual poo in the sea and explained to viewers of Tomorrow’s World: “She were in a right proper state and tired and that and she just keep on humming some song about being under the sea or summit. I’d like her for my wife...”
Despite traditionally having a deep-routed suspicion of outsiders, this isn’t the first time that the simple folk of Brightlingsea have experienced foreign bodies turning up on their shores. During the Napoleonic wars, a monkey famously washed up on the beach and was promptly made mayor by terrified locals.
It is understood that the fate of the young woman is being put to a public vote.
Text YES to 08700 if you want her to stay and be made into Backwards Ken’s wife or NO to 08700 if you’d prefer her to be handed over to the UKIP heathens of Clacton.
Texts are charged at £8.70 and all profits will be put towards the put a wall round Brightlingsea to keep the foreigns out campaign (PAWRBTKTFO).