Pity the poor people of Rowhedge, not only do they have to put up with living in Rowhedge, but to further compound matters they have the indignity of staring across the water every day at the Wivenhoe folk living their hugely successful and incredibly sexy lives. It’s like treading in shit only to discover that the person next to you has trodden in a wad of fifty pound notes and then been showered in gold, or something far more clever and witty.
But now opportunity is shining its light of golden glory all over the backward hamlet as the Rowhedgians otherwise meaningless lives have finally been given some value, thanks to the exciting opportunity to be involved in the construction of what’s been dubbed the Wivenhoe Mirror. Every morning, the poor wretches across the water emerge from the holes in the ground in which they live, blinking in the morning sunshine, before they head off to earn a few meagre shekels for helping with construction of what is believed to be one of the most reflective mirrors every built.
As Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue explained to The New York Times: “For too long now we’ve had to put up with that ignominious blot on the landscape over there and I say no more. We tried building a wall to keep them at bay, but it didn’t work. So this time, instead of having to look at them, let’s look at something far more incredible – us. Why should they get the benefit of seeing our brilliance, it’s not like they’ve done anything to deserve it? Instead it should be us that get that pleasure. From next Wednesday, Wivenhoe’s residents will be able to look out of their windows and see their own gorgeousness reflecting straight back at them – what could be more delicious?”
In a foot note, Dame Dannii’s advisor – Alice Ter-Cambell – told The Watcher: “Because of the new mirror, Wivenhoe will no longer be allowing ugly residents outside. A complex series of caves will be built by the excellent YMCA construction firm that did such a good job of putting in the new bike path. As they dun did such fine work, it’s predicted that there will be almost no delays whatsoever…