Colchester Borough Council’s dastardly plans for the old doctor’s surgery have been leaked by sticky beak founder of Well-Wikidleaks Julian Arseange, who is currently being granted asylum by the dog poo bins down on the Wivenhoe trail.
Long-haired Jeremy Corbyn lookalike, Arseange has revealed that Colchester Council plans to knock down the now abandoned surgery and replace it with as many as 900,000 homes.
The new development, which will be called Colchester-Upon-Wivenhoe, will include the aforementioned 900 houses, eight nail bars, seven spray tan emporiums, six Poundland megastores, five gold rings, four betting shops, three French polishers, two tattoo parlours and a Hooters.
A spokesperson for all of the people in Wivenhoe has expressed sheer delight about the whole endeavour, exclaiming: “We welcome this new development. What possible harm could 9 million extra houses cause? Wivenhoe’s schools are practically empty, the roads here are hardly used and we’ve got more hairdressers than we know what to do with. Bring it on!”
Meanwhile, Wivenhoe Mayor, Dame Dannii Minogue, is understood to be really excited about the opportunity to bring some new blood into the sprawling Metropolis. She explained to BBC Look East: “The problem with Wivenhoe is that that there’s not enough classy people like me. If we price these houses right, we might actually end up with the sort of people that Wivenhoe deserves, rather than the ones it’s currently having to put up with.”