Word has reached The Watcher from the land of glitz and glamour that Holywood has scraped the bottom of the ideas barrel so hard that it has come out the other side, meaning it’s having to resort to nicking – sorry rebooting – ideas that were shit in the first place in the vain hope of keeping mouth-breathing popcorn munchers tumescent.
A combination of spending too much time blitzed out on nose dust and abusing anything unfortunate enough to wear bosoms has resulted in some moron movie producer thinking that people want to see long-forgotten duds like The A-Team, The Man From Uncle and Dad’s Army given the bigscreen treatment. And the latest childhood TV gem to be swallowed up and shat out of Hollywod’s glittering anus is, of course, seventies classic John Craven’s Newsround.
The planned reboot sees Jason Statham play a renegade newsreader hellbent on a path of revenge and destruction after a rival Russian fake news spreader (played by Jan Leeming) sabotages his autocue and steals his lucrative gig presenting programmes about the countryside.
The Stath told reporters: “It’s a real thrill to be playing a role that’s completely different to anything I’ve ever done before – the whole newsreader angle makes it a real challenge. Saying things like “And finally…” or “Over to Louise for the weather” before smashing my fist into some face flesh or kicking some thug in the babymaker is likely to take all of my brain cell. The audience is going to love it!”
Meanwhile, rumours that The Rock is set to team up with Woody Allen in a buddy cop reboot of Pebble Mill At One remain unconfirmed.