Spare a thought for darling ducky Lord Nigel of Farage, not only is his position as a Euro MP now in jeopardy following the UK’s decision to tell Europe to do one as it steps out in the world on its own two feet like a man walking on eggshells in glass shoes, with trousers made out of balsa wood and twigs for legs, but he’s also suffering the indignity of having to put up with a stalker – and this one smells and won’t shave until Africa has been fed.
This morning, sweet Nigella told The Daily Mail: “Ever since that bloody scruff Geldof chased me on on his boat up the Thames, he’s been obsessed with me. I literally can’t go anywhere without him popping up and shouting abuse at me in that weird animal-like voice of his. Whether I’m roller blading, plane crashing or just trying to drink a good old fashioned pint of British bitter in a British pub talking about how much I hate the foreigns with my German wife, Geldof is always somewhere in the background spitting out his venomous hate speak, like a future leader of UKIP or something. The weird thing is, I usually smell him before I see him.”
Fury Farage has reportedly gone to the effort of growing a moustache in the hope of throwing Geldof off the scent, but to no avail. It is also understood that he has reported the matter to the police and that they are threatening to stop his pocket money and limit his X-Box time to just half an hour a week if it continues. While Mr Geldof was unavailable for comment, it’s understood that it’s all related to his apparent dislike of Mondays or something.