For years now, Alan Rumshelding has been one of Wivenhoe’s best-loved citizens, regularly applauded for his fundraising and selfless acts to benefit the community. But yesterday, 64-year-old Rumshelding was sentenced to 10 years in prison for the crime of dropping a crisp packet.
A dumbfounded Rumshelding told The Watcher: “I don’t understand it, I don’t even like crisps and am salt and vinegar intolerant, so I don’t really understand what happened. One minute I was walking along collecting flowers to take to the orphanage, the next I was in the back of a police van on my way to prison.”
Being like a proper journalist and that, The Watcher approached Wivenhoe’s chief of police, David Starsky, for some answers.
“Don’t blame us ma’am, it’s the new system we’re working under,” the curly-haired cop explained. “Basically, it’s all a question of balance. If someone famous commits a heinous crime we can’t stick them away in jail for too long because they’re famous and that just wouldn’t be fair now would it? So instead we have to readjust the balance by dishing out some harsher sentences to everyday folk that no one really cares about.”
While it’s worrying to think that a world can exist where a celebrity might get a lenient sentence for a serious crime, like shooting their girlfriend for example, fortunately this sort of stuff doesn’t happen in the real world.
And for that we can all be thankful.