There was finally reason for cheer for the poor down-trodden citizens of Wivenhoe this morning as a team of prospectors struck ‘yellow gold’ in the forecourt of the garage and zombie factory George's BodyShop.
The collection of dirty-looking working class types, lead by a hologram of eighties cack-magnet JR Ewing, has been drilling for oil for weeks now in different locations around North East Essex and it would appear they have finally come up trumps.
An eye witness told The Watcher: “I was watching them doing all that drilling stuff, when suddenly the ground started to quake and an almighty gush of sticky liquid spurted 50 feet up in the air. It reminded me of when my husband gets out his, actually forget that... The men suddenly all started shouting ‘Olivio’ and throwing their hats in the air in celebration. It was like when someone scores a goal in soccerball, but less shit.”
The hologram of JR Ewing later told BBC One’s Look East: “I knew there was a natural reservoir round here somewhere and this here land spurt will put this god awful hell hole on the map. With the amount of olive oil we’ve hit I be thinking we’re gonna be eating poncy salads for years to come.”
While there remains some confusion over who actually owns the oil, as technically the gush spurted out on Co-op-owned land, Mr Ewing is under no illusion. “I claim this here patch of land for Merica and ain’t no communist cooperative gonna stop me. My daddy stole land from the folk that call themselves natives and his daddy did the same before him. Ain’t no reason why I’m gonna let some limey sonnabitch stand in my way.”
Meanwhile, members of Wivenhoe council have been quick to down play any excitement over the discovery. A spokesperson for Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue pointed out: “We need to be quiet about this oil, otherwise that nice Tony Blair and his sensitive sidekick George Bush will come back out of hiding and invade Wivenhoe. And with the main road in and out of town closed, the last thing we need is tanks and Humvees rolling down Elmstead Road.”