Wivenhoe is world renowned for its generosity, and residents think nothing of giving a passing stranger a fifty-pound note, a bed for the night or a full body massage with extras thrown in – that’s just how we roll. So it came as no surprise when concerned neighbours clubbed together to buy 87-year-old Agnes Sanatogen a box of contraceptives in the hope of aiding her woes.
Caroline Snickers (née Marathon) told BBC Look East: “I really feel for poor old Mrs Sanatogen. As if it’s not bad enough living in a boot, she seems to have a new kid every time I see her – they’re literally sweating out of her. If I were in her shoe, I wouldn’t know what to do… except for maybe laying off the men for a couple of nights”.
The nation has been so gripped by the plight of wanton Mrs Sanatogen, that Elton John has been drafted in by Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue to write a touching song about the footwear-dwelling fertile femme fatale. Dame Dannii explains: “It’ll use up most of the budget for the next five years for building houses for the poor, but the truth is I’d prefer that they stay in Colchester. This is a story that the world needs to hear”.