Recently recognised as one of the most embarrassing UNESCO World Heritage Sites, Wivenhoe Woods covers well over 1,000 miles spanning that rarely talked about stretch of En-ger-landshire that runs between Clacton and Westeros.
It’s widely believed that there are areas of the woods that have never been seen by human eyes before and that there are more species of wild dandelion in just one square mile than there are people called Julian in Frinton on Sea.
All of which makes the recent discovery of a tribe of simpletons not really that surprising at all actually thank you very much.
Found yesterday afternoon by a nine-year-old boy on a Grifter bike who was actually looking for the mysterious cities of gold, the tribe is believed to have been living in the woods for hundreds of years subsisting on a meagre diet of fruit, berries and Vimto. Professor of People Studies an That at Essex University, Kevin Kendall, told BBC Look East: “These hateful little oompah-loompah-likes have evolved from the gushbucket genus, widely believed to be the root of all of mankind’s wrongs. In the past, colonies of these vile little oxygen thieves were destroyed just by pouring a kettle of hot water onto their habitats – forcing them deeper into the woods. If there are more of these vermin scratching around in the dirt, we’ll probably have to put some powder down or something to properly get rid of them.”
Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue has warned anyone unfortunate enough to come into contact with the curiously coiffured beings to wash their mouth out with soap and water to avoid infection.