The sleepy North Essex conurbation of Wivenhoe was yesterday beshitten with chaos when it was revealed that one of the crappest Doctor Who villains ever had escaped the TV show and was running riot through its streets.
With small, withered wandering hands, bizarre white rings around its dead little eyes and a manic nest of what can only be described as a mixture of shredded wheat and pubes on its head, police are warning locals to be on the lookout for Orange Grandpa.
Wivenhoe chief of police, Chief Inspector Detective Sergeant David Starsky explained to concerned citizens: “This peculiar shrivelled up prune of a man is in a highly confused state of mind and appears to have no grasp on reality. Orange Grandpa has a strange fixation with garden walls and grabbing cats and was last seen rolling through Wivenhoe woods muttering something about the correct way to sweep the floor there. Mentally highly volatile, we can only hope that the good Doctor comes and saves our skins soon. Citizens are advised that if you encounter this arse trumpeter extraordinaire that you do not approach him and if cornered either escape to the nearest set of stairs or toss an umbrella at him as it appears to confuse him. Be warned he is very, very simple and extremely dangerous.”