It seems you can’t go anywhere these days without some feckless git asking you to support some worthless cause or other. Whether it’s protecting the environment, helping those less well off than yourself or Africa, it seems there’s always some crafty scheme trying to separate you from your hard-earned reddies. Well, finally there’s a cause we can all get behind.
The Wivenhoe Women’s Liberation Front (WWLF) has joined forces with the Tendring Intellectual Thinking Society (TITS) to protect us from the evils that are contained within the pages of books, or more specifically page three.
TITS spokesperson Deirdre Lynham told The Watcher: “There’s just something not quite right about the number three and I think our children and the stupid need to be protected from the wicked powers it holds within its voluptuous curves. If you think about it, all sorts of bad things come in threes. Storm troopers, Top Gear presenters, condoms, trios and Twixes. It’s a mystical number and it freaks the hell out of me.”
As yet, the library has remained unconvinced by the tide of support that’s gaining traction in Wivenhoe towards the page three campaign and has so far resisted the call to rip the third page out of every book and destroy it before it sends local residents into a frenzy of lust-crazed stupidity.
Librarian Linda Glasses told Jeremy Paxman: “It’s all a fuss over nothing. I remember when those Mr Men books came out they wanted to come in here and burn them all cos Mr Fussy had ‘something of the night about him’. There was that ridiculous fuss about Harry Spotter being about witchcraft and don’t get me started on the whole Fifty Shapes of Grain thing.”
Wivenhoe local resident Louisa Ooze told The Watcher: “I don’t know what the fuss is about. These people have got their priorities all wrong. They shouldn’t be burning page three, they should burn the whole bleeding lot. Who wants to waste their time with shit like books? It’s just stories innit? You can get that sort of stuff way better on the telly and you don’t even have to use your thinking unit. Bumberclarts the lot of them.”