Ask any grown up and they will tell you that water is one of the most dangerous liquids out there (right after acid and Tizer), and it’s for this reason that Wivenhoe Town Council (under the fine leadership of Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue) have teamed up with Wivenhoe Sailing Club to ensure that the banks of the Colne remain a safe place for the people of Wiv.
After an extensive vetting process, the sailing club finally announced on Sunday that Lady Pamela Anderson will be Wivenhoe’s first official lifeguard, risking life and limb to save those unfortunate enough not to know how to float.
Sailing Club chairperson Howard Sway told The Watcher: “There were a number of strong candidates in the running, but in the end we felt that Pam was perfectly equipped for the job, especially as she provides her own floatation devices”.
Unfortunately, Ms Anderson was unavailable for comment as she’s been flat out pulling middle-aged men from the river since the start of her shift at 7 this morning. An onlooker told The Watcher: “It’s pathetic, there’s a queue of dirty old buggers taking it in turns throwing themselves into the river in the hope of getting mouth-to-mouth.”
Reports that the Sailing Club is considering employing Susan Boyle to help keep the number of ‘jumpers’ down, remain unconfirmed…