For years now, the hallowed turf of Wivenhoe has been fought over by gang factions, ranging from the Bloods of Lower Wivenhoe to the dancing Jets in Mid-Town and the dreaded Cribs of the Upper East Side. But now a new group of hoodlums appears to be making a move for territory.
Led by the fearless Phil the Greek, the Droogs have predominantly hung around the allotments, shaking down shed owners for protection money and selling illicit magic beans to gardeners brave enough to approach them. But the recent arrest of the Hairy Bikers – aka the leaders of the Wivenhoe chapter of the Hell’s Angels – has led to a power vacuum, which the Droogs are all too keen to fill.
In a terrifying statement of intent to Wivenhoe Town Council, Phil the Greek proclaimed: “Viddy this, and viddy it good, yeah. I make no appy-polly-loggies for us getting real grahamnorton, but after a couple of spandau ballets me and my droogs like a bit of the old in-out in-out shake-it-all-about. Any poopdeck shinty enough to get in our skakattack will taste the full force of our kit-e-kat.”
In a reassuring response emailed in from her Bahamas-based Winter residence, Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue whispered: “Boys will boys, wandering around in nappies armed to the teeth looking for fights, but we won’t let them beat us. And that is why I suggest that everyone stays in after dark and throws stones at anyone that looks at them funny or smells a bit weird. Ich bin ein Wivenhoer!”