Following the tragic news that lovely Theresa May has decided to step aside like some sort of super hero what with her properly sorting out Brexit once and for all, the World is left wondering: who will be the next leader of the Conservative Party and Prime Minister taking us into a future where everything is going to be ‘Alright!’.
To help you figure out the runners and riders, here’s our essential guide to the bookies’ favourites.
In at number one is Little Jimmy Crankie. Popular with both the grown-ups and the kids, Jimmy knows his way around the negotiating table and is apparently a real favourite of Jean-Claude Juncker’s.
Next up is our very own mayor, Dame Dannii Minogue. Throughout her long and victorious reign she has blazed a trail of self-promotion and corruption showing utter disregard for the people whose interest she is supposed to serve… making her an ideal candidate.
Something of a dark horse, arch enemy of He-Man and prince of evil in the fictional cartoon world of Eternia, Skeletor offers old-school Tories the perfect mixture of pragmatism and outright evil.
Cheryl Whatever-Her-Name-Is-Now is expected to appeal to the Hard Brexiters cos of that time she was racist to that toilet attendant.
Noel Edmonds talks a lot of shit and is good with deals or something.
Philip Schofield always seems lovely and Holly Willowby would make an exceptional Chancellor.
Su Pollard is one for the nans and is arguably the most equipped person in the known universe to lead the UK.
Olly Gunner whatever his name is. You know, the Man United bloke. Someone what likes football tells me he’s good at sorting shit out. I couldn’t find a picture of him cos I couldn’t spell his name, so instead here’s a snap of Lofty off Eastenders.