Yesterday The Democratic Republic of Great Britainshire gave birth to its latest glorious leader, as professional shoe-wearer Theresa May was named High Priestess of all the land. One of Darth May-der’s first jobs before taking control of the iron throne was to put together her dream team of shits, bastards, moronic imbeciles and ne’er-do-wells to ensure that this green and unpleasant isle doesn’t go bad.
And so with the searing insight that only an intellect equal to that of Sir Noel of Edmonds could muster, The Darling Buds of May unveiled her new rogues’ gallery. While it’s old news that the characters involved appear to have been picked as the result of some twisted joke or drinking game gone wrong, The Watcher can exclusively reveal that High Priestess May’s decision was actually influenced by her favourite series of movies; the peerless Police Academy collection.
Mrs T told our reporter: “I’ve always loved the spills and scrapes that High Tower, Mahoney, and that one with the guns got into and I like to think I’ve been inspired by this fantastic oeuvre in picking my A-Team of go-to guys and gals. So I’ve tried to get one with lots of guns, one that’s a bit whacky, one that’s really tall and one that’s mentally instable in the cabinet. I’m sure you’ll agree, I’ve collected some right old characters and hopefully the coming months will be nearly as much fun as Police Academy 6: The Loony’s Are Taking Over The Asylum. Think of me as Great Britainshire’s Steve Guttenberg and Boris as the fella that sits in the corner making weird noises like a moptop beatbox gone bad. What could possibly go wrong?”