Much as the people of Wivenhoe love their dogshit and can’t get enough of having to clean it out of the souls of their shoes or stopping their children from playing with it, the killjoys in Wivenhoe Town Council clearly have other ideas.
The turn of the new year saw the Council unveil an audacious new plan that it hoped would mean an end to the streets of Wivenhoe being smeared in canine crud – simply by plastering shit bins with images of the nation’s sweetheart, Piers Morgan.
Though the first few days of January saw an enormous rise in dog doo-doo being enthusiastically tossed into bins, Councillors are now expressing concern that the plan may have backfired.
As Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue explained to viewers of This Morning: “Initially, the policy proved to be an enormous success. Even people that didn’t own dogs were picking up dog mess and tossing it at, into and in some cases smearing it onto the outside of bins. But once again Wivenhoe has become a victim of its own complete and utter brilliance. Now people are traveling from out of town to bring their own dog shit to place into the bins and we’ve even heard about some users eschewing public toilets and squatting over bins in an effort to show Piers their appreciation of all his fine work. While this is all good stuff, we’ve had to increase bin emptying rotas from twice a week to three times an hour. Wivenhoe literally can’t cope with the influx of shit.”
Unfortunately, Piers Morgan was unavailable for comment, but rest assured he would have responded in a thoughtful, caring and highly considerate manner, befitting an adult as opposed to some reactionary childish bullshit designed to draw attention to what a despicable little arse-sherbet he really is.