Following the announcement last week from the NHS that GPs will now be carrying out group consultations where patients will be expected to see their doctor in sessions of up to 15 people at once, The Watcher can exclusively reveal additional details of the controversial plans that have been kept under wraps until now.
In an example of proper investigative journalism like what they do on Panorama, John Craven’s Newsround and Watchdog, The Watcher has discovered secret documents revealing collusion between Wivenhoe’s doctor surgery and the town’s waste disposal department resulting in the town’s dustmen taking over some clinical procedures from next week.
Our source informs us: “In an effort to save the surgery money, all prostate examinations will now be done by dustmen on Wednesdays when they’re coming through to pick up black bags and compost. It’s perfect, they’ll come to your house and do it in the comfort of your front garden while you wait.”
It’s understood that the exercise will not only free up valuable resources for the NHS, but further funds will be saved because the dustmen won’t need to wear gloves as their hands will already be dirty from clearing up rubbish and rotting food.
Secretary of State for Health and Social Care, the appropriately named Matt Handcock told The Watcher: “I can neither confirm nor deny these outlandish claims, although there’s a very good chance that they might be true and we might well be announcing this next week. Hypothetically speaking of course, off the record and all that…”
Next week I’ll be hoping to shed more light on the terrifying revelation that following Brexit candy sticks will once again be rebranded as sweet cigarettes in the UK and that Boris Johnson hopes to reintroduce the red tip to make them look like the real thing…