Wivenhoe’s rambling community has come together to show their mild disgruntlement about the state of some of Wivenhoe’s “dishevelled footpaths”.
Speaking to anyone foolish enough to get close to him as they wander past, Wivenhoe’s Rambler in Chief, Raymond Meanderer, this morning shouted at the top of his voice outside Co-op: “There’s a time and a place for this sort of furry furniture and I can assure you public paths are not the place. The highways and byways of this great nation have no place displaying such vulgar sproutage and unless something is done to stop this explosion of hirsute peacocking, myself and Wivenhoe’s rambling community will be forced to take matters (and Gillette razors) into our own hands.”
Speaking from her summer holiday base in St Lucia, Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue responded: “It’s ironic that these freaks have a problem with hair, given that half them are beardy weirdies that like walking around with their binoculars ‘bird watching’, but one of the downside of this job is having to put up with the public’s bullshit. So I am pleased to anounced that next year’s budget for road improvements will instead be spent on eight trucks of Veet to ensure that Wivenhoe’s paths can be regarded as the shaven haven that one or two nut jobs appear to be demanding. I hope you’re all happy with yourselves, don’t come crying to me when your car gets a puncture when it falls down a pothole.”