Members of Wivenhoe’s secret cyber police force have expressed concern over startling revelations coming to light this morning that this week’s council election has already been hacked and fixed by evil forces from Russia carrying out the dastardly wishes of Count Vladimir of Putin.
Count Putin, who lives in the Russian capital of Transylvania and is mayor of Russia, is understood to be interested in taking control of Wivenhoe council as the common-held thought there is that the sprawling North-East Essex metropolis holds the key to controlling the West.
When asked about the allegations this morning, Putin who was wrestling a bear in his pants at the time, claimed: “I have never heard of zis Vivenhoe, and even if I had, vhy vould I be interested in taking over from ze Dame Dannii Minogueas mayor (whom I have alzo never heard of)? Ze fact zat Vivenhoe has two bookshops is ov no interest to me. I don’t read books, I’m not a homosexual. I prefer to ride horses bareback like a real man!”
Count Putin previously shot to fame when – like Simon Cowell – he fixed it for Donald T Rump to win The Apprentice against Bill Clinton’s nan, Hillary. Many commentators suggested that the act was pointless as Hillary is in actual fact a girl and so never stood a chance because she doesn’t have a penis.
Wivenhoe police are understood to be concerned about the threat of a sinister puppet master trying to control the outcome of such an emotionally charged election, but believe that the Commodore 64 that’s being used for cyber security is completely impenetrable, so there’s nothing to worry about, yeah?