Following Tuesday’s visit by Prince Charlie Charles to the University of Essex to praise them for all the fine architectural advances they’ve made in recent years, the royal family decided to stop off in Wivvers to get their car valeted.
Gorgeous Kate popped across the road to Co-op to grab some bits for tea and see what they had on the reduced stock shelf, while Wills bummed a cigarette from the guy that sells the Big Issue and sat on the wall smoking it trying to look all hard and that.
Meanwhile baby Prince George (whom it is rumoured is named after George of George’s Bodyshop fame) sat on the ground playing in the dirt like the perfectly ordinary little boy that he is.
An onlooker was heard to observe: “I hate it when these scrounging scum hang round on the streets making it look all untidy and that. Why can’t they be like normal decent folk and get a job rather than just causing trouble and spending money that they have no right to whatsoever. Can’t stop, I need to get this bus into town to sign on…”
Brenda Molecules, who works in Co-op, told The Watcher: “Kate is such a lovely girl, she’s so normal and that. She’s really got the common touch. As she went round, she shook everyone’s hand and asked them what it is they did before leaving without buying anything. It’s only an hour after she’d gone that we realized she had a packet of johnnies and 10 Bensons stuffed up her top. Gotta love her though, she’s just so nice.”
The Royals are widely believed to be holidaying in Jaywick over the next couple of weeks, and it’s expected that George will be getting his first tattoo as a special treat for eating up all his Pot Noodle like a good boy.