Just when you thought it was safe to take a stroll along the Wivenhoe trail, along come a pack of pill popping junkies, desperate to big fish, little fish, cardboard box their way through the night smacked up to their monocles on e-balls, cracks and whizzer & chips to repetitive beats.
We talk of course of the blight of illegal ravers that we all hoped would be got rid of by voting for a medium-rare Brexit, but alas no.
Last night at 20:15 just as Wivenhoians finished off their cocoas before settling down to an evening of Songs Of Praise, rabble raising reprobates were dancing their way through the night to the likes of Glen Miller’s In The Mood, Waterloo and Things Can Only Get Better.
Smacked-up junkie snorter Theresa (not her real name) told The Watcher: “We’re just here to have fun man. Why does everyone have to make a big deal of it if we choose to run through a meadow or have it large to some Euro House? I can’t feel my legs…”
Meanwhile, ketamine-fuelled Boris (real name Alexander de Pfeffel), added: “It’s all about peace and love baby, we’re all just one global family and we all need to get along, innit though?”
Fortunately, Wivenhoe’s police didn’t see things in quite the same way and the illegal gathering was quickly ended thanks to the liberal use of water cannons, rubber bullets and flame throwers.
Wivenhoe mayor Dame Dannii Minogue told worried locals: “I understand a significant amount of drug paraphernalia was left behind by the ravers. I’d suggest that if any worried locals find anything that looks like it might be hard narcotics they can drop it off in my offices where it will be properly enjoyed, er I mean disposed of.”