In these darkened times when criminals lurk around every corner, drugs aren’t actually as good for you as they once were and you can’t even leave your wallet in your front garden overnight, it’s sad to think that crime is pretty much everywhere, even under the sofa or around the plug hole of the bath.
The latest spate of crime washing over Wivenhoe like sticky orangeade on a hot summer’s day concerns this group of youths spotted swaggering and posturing down by the river. Chief of Police detective David Starsky has warned residents to remain vigilant and not to approach the young men who are said to be armed to the teeth and highly dangerous, adding: “These guys like to walk around in extreme slow-motion with Stuck In The Middle With You blaring out of their hi-fi as if it’s cool or clever. Clearly, it’s not.”
The five young men are wanted in connection with the theft of 45p worth of pick and mix from the sweet shop and are believed to have carved their initials and crude penises into trees around the woods as well as spitting and indulging in heavy petting. Police believe the boys are using the aliases Mr Pink, Mr Blonde, Mr Blue, Mr Orange and Mr Gordon Brown, and are offering a cash reward of up to £29 for any information that leads to the arrest and capture of these rogues.