Spare a thought for professional dancer and field of corn runner througher Theresa May, not only has she had to contend with the indignity of being the wizened face of the shitshow that is Brexit, but now she has to deal with a bunch of leading cabinet ‘members’ – most of who no one has ever heard of – throwing their toys out their prams until they get their own way.
As if it wasn’t bad enough, Brexit Secretary Rab C Nesbit and What’s her face Mc-What’s-Her-face have kickstarted the biggest game of Brexit resignation dominos known to man, while Michael Gove lurks in the shadows like some gurning Game of Thrones plotter and Boris Johnson unveils yet more siblings that look weirdly like him but less freakish to fall on their swords.
And now comes the damning revelation that Wivenhoe’s infamous shitting dog is considering its position as the small North-East Essex town’s most beloved pavement fowler in the hope of taking over as leader of the Conservative party and so the entire free Western world.
Though things look rather bleak for the Maybot, a small ray of sunshine appears to be peaking through the clouds, following an announcement from Wivenhoe’s very own Big Issue seller that she is willing to share her patch with Theresa – letting her have Mondays, Wednesdays and every other Friday – outside the Co-op.