NHS destroyer and self-obsessed turd lozenge Jeremy Hunt has today been announced as the Government’s new Minister for Rhyming Slang. In a new move that is likely to shake up Whitehall and send shock waves ringing through the bells of Bow, Theresa May made the announcement this morning, accompanied by her new ministers for Education and Pokémon Go respectively, Chas and Dave.
Lady May told The Sun ‘newspaper’: “Now that we’re going back to being proper English again, this important post is perfect for an authentic cockney and I can’t think of a bigger cockney than Jeremy Hunt. He’s a cockney through and through. Words alone are not enough to express just how much of a cockney I think the man is. What a cockney! Hopefully by recapturing some of the war-time spirit that these simple, backwards folk used to have, we can rediscover what it means to be great again. I will therefore be reinstating jellied eels as the national dish and ensuring that the entire country comes to a stop at 3pm every third Friday for a good old fashioned knees up. Gertcha!”
As the announcement was made, Hunt remained unavailable for comment but his advisor explained: “Jeremy is very much looking forward to taking on the challenges that this new role represents. He intends to single-handedly dismantle everything that is good about the cockney service, alienating anyone that works within it and cutting back its budgets and putting it under intense pressure until it is a mere shadow of the great institution that it once was. Apples and pairs, what what!” What a cockney.