If there’s one thing that gets residents rushing to Spotted Wivenhoe to boo-hoo to rest of the world, it’s poor parking. Whether it’s the prat that’s insisted on parking their boat in a disabled parking bay or the knobhead that leaves their yacht blocking your drive, it’s a proper pain in the posterior, innit?
Fortunately, the people’s hero – Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue – likes nothing more than the plight of the common man and so has set up a new traffic warden scheme for the River Comb to ensure that poor parking becomes a thing of the past.
In a Skype message from her Barbados holiday home, Dame Dannii informed her loyal subjects: “Hopefully this new trial scheme will show people that they can’t just drop anchor wherever they want and that it’s important to consider others. We’re going to try a trial run of three months and if it works I’ll look to employ a similar system on Wivenhoe’s roads. Maybe the threat of a 350-foot monster throwing your car into the air will stop you just parking where the hell you want, but then again this is Wivenhoe, so maybe not…”