In a gesture that shows that the world hasn’t completely gone to hell in a shopping trolley with a wonky wheel, the people of Africa have decided to come together to help solve the plight of Wivenhoe’s road users by recording a charity single to raise money to fill its potholes.
In a heart-wrenching interview in this morning’s Daily Mail, African pop star Bab Gildhoff explained: “I was watching the news last night when I saw these harrowing images of people from the tiny third-world country of Essex struggling to make their way to the local well to fetch water because of the inhuman condition of their roads. It broke my heart. To think that in 2017, these poor people are suffering the indignity of having to walk cos their roads are so riddled with holes and dips is unacceptable. We aim to raise enough money so that no Audi or Range Rover will ever suffer from a ruptured suspension ever again”.
The record All I Want For Christmas Is A Nice Flat Road has been recorded at short notice by the cream of Africa’s musicians, calling themselves Road Aid, and aims to raise enough money to drag Wivenhoe’s roads kicking and creaming into the mid-20th Century.
A spokesperson for Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue noted: ‘We’d like to thank the people of Africa for their compassion in our time of need. We’ve tried everything from chocolate spread to Blu-tak, sawdust and a handful of gravel, but as quick as we fill the holes someone drives over them and makes them fall apart again. We’re fighting a losing battle I tells ya”.
The cassette single is available to buy now from all good Our Price and WH Smith mega stores.