Dame Dannii Minogue has hired pedal-powered junkie Lance Armstrong in an audacious attempt to host next year’s Tour de France. The announcement, which was made yesterday afternoon, follows the mayor’s decision to close the only road in or out of the village as building work commences to turn it into a BMX track.
Dame Danni told the waiting members of the press: “We’ve decided that the building work that’s required to turn the road into a cycle track with sloping walls, ramps and jumpy bits will take at least 15 years and so have come to the conclusion that it’s probably better to close it completely. But that’s not enough, if we’re going to be successful in our bid to host the Tour de France we’re going to need to play every dirty trick in the book and that’s where a low-down scumbag cheater like Lance comes in. While the building work commences people wanting to leave Wivenhoe are advised to put their car onto a wooden raft, row for 3 hours down to Clacton and from there catch a light aircraft to Heathrow where they should be no more than 4 hours away from Central London – it might seem like a lot of effort, but it’s still believed to be quicker and cheaper than catching the train.
Dame Danni predicts that the work will: “Be enormously popular with all of Wivenhoe’s residents and that no one will mind the extra little bit of travel time it’ll add to their day”.