Take a look at the news globally and it makes for a pretty depressing state of affairs. Poverty, hunger, war, Coronation Street… the list of atrocities currently taking place across our little planet is sometimes just too much to comprehend and it makes you want to stick your head in the gas oven or – worse still – turn off the telly and go and read a book or something. But in truth, all of this pales into insignificance when compared with the desperate situation that the poor souls in Wivenhoe currently have to face.
This afternoon, delegations from the World Health Organisation, Interpol, NASDAQ and the Dennis the Menace Fan Club visited the village to witness for themselves firsthand some of the difficulties that the wretched souls living there now have to endure.
A softly weeping Barrack Obama linked arms with an inconsolable Vladimir Putin as the pair nuzzled into the comforting breasticles of Angela Merkel as the delegation launched a desperate plea to Colchester Borough Council to bring about a peaceful end to the closure of the main road in and out of the town.
Lead by Wivenhoe Mayor, Dame Dannii Minogue, the crowd broke into an impromptu chorus of We Shall Overcome, before laying flowers before the workmen and quietly walking away lost in their own personal contemplation.
Later, a clearly shaken President Obama told the gathering crowd outside of Wivenhoe Co-Op: “You people make me so proud to call myself a human. No one should have to endure the pain and suffering that you guys are going through right now and it’s difficult for me to even comprehend the difficulty of having to leave home 10 minutes earlier than normal to make a slight detour to your journey. There are people in Ethiopia who have to walk 10-15 miles every morning just to get water, if they could show only half the dignity and restraint that you guys do they might not be in the mess they’re in. The eyes of the world are on you and we all share your pain. Stay strong Wivenhoe, only 8 more months of this minor inconvenience to endure”.
Before flying out of the village in her private helicopter to her London apartment, Mayor Minogue promised her minions that they were not alone: “When Wivenhoe suffers, we all suffer – mainly cos you lot bleat on about it endlessly to anyone that’ll listen. But no more I say. I’m meeting with my private secretaries first thing in the morning and I promise you that our reaction will be swift, decisive and very possibly violent. Stay strong my loyal servants!”
Stay tuned to The Watcher for all the latest developments on this horrific human tragedy.