Anyone that’s ever read a science friction book or watched a film with Tomothy Cruise in it will tell you that robot invasions invariable don’t end well for us homo crapiens, so it came as something of a surprise when Wivenhoe’s respected Mayor, Dame Dannii Minogue, claimed that this morning’s influx of killer automatons is no cause for concern.
According to reports on John Craven’s Newsround and in early editions of The Beano, hoards of killer robots have been invading the Wivenhoes of the world.
The attack started in the early hours of this morning in Wivenhoe Dam, Queensland Australia, before spreading to Wivenhoe Tennessee, US of A and then the all-original and bestest Wivenhoe, Essex in the Yew Kay.
In a chilling pronouncement that sounded like a mixture between Steven Hawkwind and Metal Mickey, the head of the robots announced: “Humans of planet earpf. We are here to plunder your resources, eat your sweets and watch your Netflix. Do not stand in our way or we will cap yo ass with our death rays. And don’t go thinking we’re going to die of flu after a couple of days like the shitbots from War of the Worlds, we’ve been inoculated for realzie, yo! Nothing can stop us from our path of death and destruction… except maybe Kryptonite. Actually, no, forget that… I was joking. Kryptonite definitely won’t damage us so don’t bother wasting your time trying. Move along, nothing to see here”.
Wivenhoe Mayor, Dame Dannii Minogue, told concerned readers of Women’s Weekly: “This is all a big fuss about nothing. I say we ignore the pathetic transformers or whatever they are and leave them to their sweets and telly programmes. We will not be defeated by bullies and we will stand firm together as one and say ‘No, not in my backyard’. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my secret underground bunker”.