Leading archaeologists have discovered what appear to be the foundations of an ancient Roman villa in Wivenhoe’s Italian district. Essex University’s Archaeologist in Chief, Dr Henry Indiana Jones Jr explained to The Watcher: “My father, who’s played by Sean Connery, lost his contact lens last Thursday while trying to find his hearing aid, which he’d misplaced along with his prosthetic arm, so I thought the logical thing to do would be to get the old plane out and get up in the air and see if we could find it. We searched around for a couple of hours when suddenly dad pointed out a familiar shape on the ground below. We circled round one more time and sure enough, there it was: the unmistakable form of a Roman villa.”
The discovery has lead to growing excitement in the archaeology field and leading thinkers across the globe have flocked to gorge on the sight for themselves. One eminent professor (Doctor Wivenhoe Jones Jr, from Indiana) told The Watcher: “I’ve never seen anything quite like it. Look at that corridor – or shaft as we call it – I don’t think I’ve ever seen a girth like it. From the size and shape of the ‘base’ of the villa I’d suggest this could date as far back as 1982. This really is quite something.”
The discovery has meant that English Heritage has been forced to move in to protect the area, and all people located within 100m of the site have been asked (at gunpoint) to move out of their homes, which will be knocked down “Just for the hell of it”. It’s believed that as a result some 150 families will be homeless this Christmas, but as the English Heritage spokesperson points out: “Perhaps they should have thought about that before buying a house built on a place of such historical significance.”
Reports that what appears to be the remains of a Wivenhoian shed have been discovered in Rome remain unconfirmed, and of little interest of anyone whatsoever.