Born on Saturday at 11:05, Princess Leia Doris Agnes Mavis the third, weighed in at an impressive 25lbs and has been widely recognised as being way more important than any other child born in the UK over the last 25 years.
Royal watcher and close family friend Philip Schofield told anyone that’d listen: “Finally, the people of earth have been blessed with a child that’s like no other. This sweet halfling has the patience of Gandhi, the kindness of Mother Teresa and the tenderness of a KFC Tower burger and will undoubtedly prove to be the making of the human race.”
Big Willy Style and Kate ensured that the sweet princess’ birth remained as normal as the sort of thing grubby little oiks like you and I would have in an NHS corridor. Kate had to make do with just five assistants to do the pushing for her so that she could remain regal throughout the labour, while Wills sat upon a golden throne throughout, offering advice to his lovely wife and occasionally pausing to eat fox from a large golden bowl to keep his strength up.
The princess was wrapped in finest swan fur upon exit from Kate’s ‘Balmoral estate’ and the cord was cut using a pair of scissors from the 99p shop round the corner from the hospital.
Mere hours after the birth the happy family exited the hospital via a secret back exit to hot foot it Wivenhoe for the first official family photographs. Wills told The Watcher: “Royal tradition has dictated that family portraits be done here since 1453. Every one from King Henry VIII to Burger King and King Ralph has been here, so we had to get a piece of the action.”
Meanwhile, a tired Kate added: “It’s been pretty exhausting, but the real work is about to start. People think just cos we’ve got loads of gold and jewels that we’re different to you disease-ridden scum, but we’re not. We’ve only got 11 manservants for night feeds and nappies, but somehow we’ll struggle through.