Wivenhoe’s superb road planning brains trust – the well-respected institution currently responsible for the impeccably handled main-road closure – has announced a new series of rules aimed specifically at parents dropping off or picking up their kids from school.
The new guidelines encourage those that choose to drive to school to do so as fast as they like and then park their cars anywhere they want as they are more important than anyone else and that anything that makes life easier for them is a good thing.
Explaining the new common-sense thinking, Edward Fartknocker – leader of Wivenhoe’s road planning society the Collective What Organises Road Disorder (or C-Word) told the Colchester Gazette: “I’m sick and tired of these selfish idiots that walk or cycle to school getting in the way of us poor sods that have to drive. What people forget is that parents who are in cars are more important than those that choose to walk. Consequently, they should be allowed to park across people’s drives, stop on double yellow lines or just pull up at random right outside the school. These people shouldn’t have to think about the safety of others and those that are stupid enough to walk on the pavements. Their poor organisation and busy important lives should be taken into consideration, catered for and if anything applauded. Some people have complained to me that they are a danger to parents with prams and children trying to walk to school and cross the roads, but I would ask why are these children even on the pavements? If everyone drove there wouldn’t be a problem – some people are so selfish. Even if you live just 5 minutes walk away you should really be trying to make the effort to drive – it’s not rocket science.”
Wivenhoe’s Traffic Police department (aka CHIPS – California Highway Patrol), has installed new signs pointing out to drivers that between the hours of 8:30 and 9:00 in the morning and 2:45 and 3:00 in the afternoon there is a free for all when cars can drive at whatever speed they want, drive on the pavement if it makes the journey quicker and park wherever the hell suits them best.
Officer Frank Poncherello told The Gazette: “By letting responsible drivers do what the hell they want, maybe the pedestrians will finally begin to realise how inconsequential they are and make allowances for those that are in cars and in a hurry. It is our hope that before Easter everyone will be driving – that way everyone will be safe and we won’t have to put up with all these accidents caused by irresponsible, selfish walkers and cyclists. If you insist on walking or riding a bike you should do it somewhere sensible and safe, like a gym or Wivenhoe’s designated walking zone down by the haunted mineshaft.”