Not content with cutting corners when it comes to rubbish collection, people’s health and road repair, an exclusive report leaked from Essex County Council has also revealed that it is failing to upkeep the facial grooming of many of its libraries in hand.
Speaking to the Colchester Gazette, worried resident Susan A-Whop-Bop-A-Lu-A-Whop-Bam-Boo explained: “ I know that beards and tattoos are very ‘now’ among hipsters and twats, but it’s just not acceptable for a place where you come to steal books from like a library. I’m sick to death of crusty bits of old corn flake or crumbs that have been trapped in the facial furniture falling down on me when I’m thinking about tea-leafing Fifty Shades. If I wanted Hairy Potter I’d got to one of Wivenhoe’s 8,000 hairdressers, you get me fam?”
Happily, the wheels of Wivenhoe’s infamous protest machine have been swung into action and a petition demanding that Essex Council invest in a giant razor to remove the offending growth has gathered 5.5 million signatures in just 14.2 minutes and a ‘dirty protest’ is planned for round the back of Co-op this Saturday afternoon.
Hopefully order will be soon restored and readers will be able to once again enjoy some smooth-faced reading without fear of chaffing. Fight the power and all that, yeah?