Wivenhoe library has revealed its new manager – a no-nonsense ruler from a fictional cartoon back in the eighties – guaranteed to improve the running of an institution that the locals have abused for far too long.
Head of Essex Libraries association, Peter Booky-McBookface, told The Watcher: “We’ve had it with people coming in here all the time and taking our books without paying so much as a penny. It proper takes the piss. Well no more, matey. A new sheriff is in town and this one’s not taking any rubbish from you lot”.
This morning, He-Man’s twin sister and ruler of Eternia, She-Ra was unveiled to an excited audience of book borrowers. With extensive experience of fighting mythical beasts, a fiercely ruthless streak and a passion for carrying out Dewey classification to the letter, She-Ra has been installed to bring the book shop where you get books for free kicking and screaming into the mid-twentieth century.
“There’s one thing I can’t abide,” notes the stern princess, “rudeness. Actually, there’s two things I can’t abide, indecision and rudeness. Now I come to think of it, make it three, lists. Lists, rudeness and indecision. Oh yeah and lateness. It proper narks me off when people don’t return their books on time. So, if someone is rude, late and gives me a list of excuses, you can pretty much guarantee I’m going to use my sword of power on them and, like smite them down”.
The library will be adjusting its opening hours to fit in with She-Ra’s busy schedule of fighting baddies, running Wivenhoe’s WI and keeping Castle Greyskull clean.
Meanwhile, reports that She-Ra's brother – He Man – is set to become Wivenhoe's dog poo bin emptier remain unconfirmed.