Who says that the sleepy North-Essex town of Wivenhoe isn’t constantly abuzz with excitement? Just last week the Co-op announced it will only be accepting Blankety Blank cheques as legal tender, the week before that there was some old stuff and nonsense about Margaret Thatcher and erections and last month Donald Trumpet attempted to build a wall around himself near the vegetable counter in One Stop. What more do you want, blood?
This morning news has reached The Watcher about an event that is sure to send reverberations across the globe, finally putting Wivenhoe on the world stage where it deserves to be.
At 9:45, Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue unveiled the town’s first new road sign in three decades to an expectant audience that included a malingering milkman, a passing cat and a recycling bin that was left out from yesterday.
Speaking to no one in particular, Dame Dannii revealed: “It’s been a long time coming, but hopefully Wivenhoe’s latest sign will help to bring some stability to everyone in these troubled times. Sure, we can’t afford to colour in all the letters, but I predict that if we close the library, one of the schools and sell off the doctor’s we might have enough cash before the end of the year to add a couple of vowels and maybe a consonant. Good times, y’all.”
Meanwhile, Wivenhoe police have revealed that they will be implementing on-the-spot fines of up to £1,000 for anyone that disobeys the new directive.