If you were out and about in Wivenhoe over the weekend you will no doubt have been held up by the construction work on the Avenue, as a band of Irish mercenaries replaced the telegraph poles and overhead cabling. Though the official line is that the cables need replacing due to wear and tear, a report that’s been leaked from Essex University reveals the stark truth: the damage has been caused by the general air of smugness emanating from the town’s inhabitants.
Doctor Egon Spengler, Head of the ‘Thinking and That’ department at the University, stated: “Our extensive studies have revealed that the inhabitants of Wivenhoe have a smugness rating that’s 24.7% higher than any other town in North Essex, the next closest being Beaumont-cum-Moze because of it’s name and natural balsamic vinegar spring.”
Spengler has spent the last 13 months carrying out extensive studies of the town and its inhabitants, before sitting down for 4-and-a-half minutes to consider his findings.
“I think part of the feel-smug-factor here is related to what I call the self-satisfied tit ratio, which is calculated by multiplying self worth, self image and inner thigh measurement and dividing the whole thing by pi. Throw into the mix factors such as a nearby Waitrose, a Big Issue seller to help the inhabitants feel constantly righteous and the general air of middle class contentment and you’ve got a heady brew for a very smug-smelling pudding.”
However, not everyone was in agreement with the revelations. Wivenhoe’s Jemmima Petherson-Walthrington told The Watcher: “One finds this so called scientist’s findings simply preposterous. My husband Jeremy works with far smugger people in the city and my sister Jacasta lives in Elmstead and can hardly see her back garden because of the thick smug that hangs in the air there. What’s more, everyone knows that Egon Spengler was a fictional character in Jean de Florette, or some other artsy Italian movie.”
But how does smugness affect cabling and is there any logic behind Dr Spengler’s madcap theories? Here’s the science bit. The Watcher asked electrician Tony Sparks what a’gwan…
“The problem with smugness – or twattery as we call it in the trade – is that it contains significant amounts of hydrogen peroxide, which as we all know corrodes the copper that the electrical wiring is made of. It’s not an easy problem to fix, but usually working class values, Ford Mondeos and a Fray Bentos pie in a tin can help.”
The Watcher asked Wivenhoe Mayor, Dame Dannii Minogue, for a pithy quip to help bring this sorry state of affairs to an end, but was told: “Ms. Minogue can’t come to the phone, cos she’s watching Strictly Downton. Have you tried turning it of then on again?”