This morning between the hours of 8:45 and nine o’clock the residents of Wivenhoe were caught by surprise by as much as four or five minutes of light sleet, throwing the popular holiday destination into a state of complete and utter horror.
One terrified resident described how they had to turn their windscreen wipers on (“Just to that setting when they sweep the windscreen and then stop for a bit, before going again”) while another described the absolute antipathy of some of the cold stuff going in their eye (“It’s what I can only imagine it’d be like if Fatima Whitbread threw a frozen shaft of Tango fashioned into a javelin as hard as she could and it went right into my eye hole and then immediately melted allowing me to get on with my day”).
Meanwhile, Wivenhoe’s Ho FM radio station was overrun with callers to the Kenny Everest Laughter Hour describing how the unexpected weather had, like, totally buggered up their day and that.
There were tales of cars careening into icebergs, avalanches sweeping old ladies in the general direction of Birmingham and snow drifts blocking the main road in and out of Wivenhoe (meaning that residents had to use a convoluted route to find their way out to the relative calm of Colchester).
Weatherologist Michael Fish told The Watcher: “This unseasonable weather is common at this time of year and is very much to be expected, which is why so many of us were caught off guard by it. The important thing is not to panic. Make sure you get yourself down to the Co-op and buy as much stuff as you can with the letter P on the packet, if that’s all gone go for anything that’s red and then simply ransack the place and burn it to the ground. Pets should be chained to garage roofs and any members of the community over the age of 27 should be immediately euthanized in order to reduce the strain on the community that they are likely to cause over the coming difficult months.”
Wivenhoe Mayor, Dame Dannii Minogue – who is still on the fact-finding mission that she’s been on for the last four months somewhere in Barbados – sent reassuring words to her followers via Morse code that went something along the lines of …---….. ----… --, which apparently means: “ dot, dot, dot, dash, dash, dash, dash, dot, dash, dot cotton”.
The bad news is that there’s worse to come. Using the medium of mime to communicate with the outside world, news reader George Alagiah has warned that the sky might get “dark” and “a bit cloudy” on Saturday night and that there might be some wind on Friday afternoon around 4pm. Emergency preventative action is being taken and Wivenhoe woods has been chopped down, every last tree is being set on fire and the River Colne has been filled with concrete just in case.