Following catastrophic snowfall last night, the people of Wivenhoe have been left in a state of bewilderment, desperately surveying the horrific scenario that lies before them.
Last night’s flurry of the white stuff has resulted in drifts in some parts of Wivenhoe as deep as 3.4cm – which equates to about a quarter of a pint of frozen water or the amount you’d get if you grated three ice cubes.
Understandably, the rest of the UK has suffered a similar fate, with the Government seriously reconsidering whether or not to implement the 12-day week now that we are officially part of the polar ice cap, meanwhile fags and beer are being rationed to ensure people can make it through the weekend.
With meteorologists describing the threat as “not even non-existent”, terrified Wivenhoe residents entered the woods in a desperate search for nuts and berries, got candles out from under the stairs and even turned the thermostat up on their central heating.
Stunned talky-person Janine Wardrobe described the horror of having to clear “a bit of slushy cold stuff” off of her car windscreen and revealed that “The safest way to drive in these conditions is really, really fast. That way you dodge the snow, innit”.
Commuters are being urged to stay in bed eating Pringles and watching Tricia as the train timetable has been thrown into so much chaos that the first departure to “that London” is not expected to make it to Wivenhoe station until next Thursday at the earliest.
Meanwhile, authorities in Wivenhoe have expressed “genuine concern” about the risk of looting or the long-held fear that the river will freeze over and that Wildings from across the other side (France, I think) will invade and take advantage of our Co-op.
Speaking from her Bermuda Winter holiday HQ, Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue has declared a state of emergency, cancelling weekends, demanding that everyone strap tennis rackets to their feet to ensure safe movement across the snowy tundra and imploring people to form into small groups and arm themselves heavily for the impending Armageddon.