Following the news that Elon Musk has sent a pair of rockets on a quest for Mars bars, the North-East Essex town of Wivenhoe has followed suit, but in a much more modest and less ‘look at me’ manner than those damn Yanks.
At approximately 04:33 and 27.2 seconds this morning, Wivenhoe’s Professor Egon Spengler and his company SpaceseX launched a pair of pocket rockets on a mission far more dangerous than anything the stupidly named American rocket man could even dream of. The two spacecraft – Millennium Falcon and the Maltese Falcon – were launched this morning from Wivenhoe’s dry dock and are on a one-way mission to a distant region called Clacton in the search for any signs of intelligent life.
In the distinctly faint possibility that anything worthwhile is discovered, the space craft will deploy a white Ford Escort banging out proper mental drum and bass in the hope that it will convince extra-terrestrial lifeforms that we come in peace.
This isn’t the first time that Wivenhoe has embarked on a pointless mission costing millions of pounds, back in 2016 engineers successfully launched a rocket from Tower Road (you can read about that astonishing endeavour here) that shot 100 feet into the air before eventually crash landing spectacularly on Colchester high street outside Marks and Spencer.