As reasons for excitement go, the recent five-day closure of Wivenhoe Co-op is right up there with that time I found that lost sock behind the tumble drier and pretty much any utterances that have been unfortunate enough to tumble out of Jeremy Clarkson’s little broom broom mouth. However, Wivenhoe Town Council have revealed that the average family saved between £437 and £8,563 while the popular over-priced (in) convenience store was closed – leading to the highest rise in living standards since 1983.
Commenting on the findings, Wivenhoe’s leading economist, Su Pollard, noted: “Our research has revealed that even those families that had produce specially shipped in from as far afield as the Jaywick branch of Fortnum & Mason ended up spending less than they would have if Co-op had been open. We’re therefore suggesting that to ensure that everyone has enough money to make it through these testing times Co-op close the store every third hour on consecutive Wednesdays when there’s an L in the month. Either that or lower some of their prices.”
A spokesperson from Co-op was unavailable for comment, but almost certainly would have said: “Why don’t you piss off back to Hi-De Hi Pollard?”