It’s not everyday that Wivenhoe can claim to have the glory of royalty descend upon it, but yesterday was one such once in a lifetime moment as her Majesty Queen Elizabeth Two deigned to brighten up our otherwise dull, worthless lives with her very presence.
The Queen was on hand to open the public toilets at Wivenhoe station, which up until now have remained closed to members of the public in case they try to use them.
Lizbeth Two, aged 107, told the gathering members of the public that were desperately waiting to wee wee all the way home: “For too long now commuters have been treated like animals, forced to surreptitiously tiddle into the bushes or squat off the edge of the platform if they felt the need to defecate or release urination flow. But no more. Now they will be treated like badly behaved children. Having to ask the station master’s permission if they want to, ahem, sit on the throne. Wivenhoe has finally entered the mid-20th Century.”
The toilets will now be made available to members of the public during daylight hours, although they will be kept locked as a security measure and to make sure that no one abuses the free water that’s available from the taps.
Devious shits Abellio Greater Anglia have claimed that the recent 17% fare increase is unrelated to the new facilities and that season tickets will see a £57 a week increase from June to cover the nonexistent costs.