Once every four hundred million years a phenomenon known as a super moon can be clearly evident in the skies about the planet of Great Britainshire, and this morning at 5am excited residents gathered on the streets of Wivenhoe to bask in all its glory.
But far from being reason for cheer, the event caused outrage among certain sections of the community.
Alison Toothbrush (aged 13 1/2) told BBC Look East: “I excitedly got up with my kids to see the moon and was disgusted by what I saw. That sort of thing is unnatural and certainly not appropriate for a pre-watershed audience. I’ll be writing a strongly worded letter to Points Of View if I can be arsed, which I can’t.”
Meanwhile, a disappointed Susan Pencilcase explained: “It’s wonderful to be able to get a proper eyeful of nature’s wonder in all its glory, but I then spent hours driving around Brightlingsea and Elmstead desperately trying to get a view of the other side. It’s like trying to find the pot of gold in a flipping rainbow – a complete waste of time. What a load of bollocks, or maybe not I suppose”
Although little is known about the moon, where it comes from or what its purpose is, scientists have come up with a number of theories ranging from it being God’s torch to a huge ball of alien cheese floating in the space above the earth (which experts commonly refer to as Skype), but one thing’s for certain: man is destined to never be able to reach it or walk upon its fiery surface. As The Sex Pistols song goes: “My legs will probably break, walking on the moon”.