The Super Bowel in Merica is one of the most watched ‘sporting’ events never, with people turning off their TVs in disgust the world over as grown men in crash helmets chase after an over inflated plastic egg, while perma-tanned ladies in short skirts and fake bosoms shake their pom-poms in sheer girlish delight at the whole sorry spectacle.
But while the world pretends to have a passing interest in what brother and sister Yank refer to as ‘American Soccer Ball’, without doubt the highlight of the Super Bowel is what’s pitifully referred to as the half-time show.
Over the years the show has seen everyone from the world of entertainment – from Bernie Winters and Schnorbitz to Musical Youth and the Chuckle Brothers – take the stage. The spectacle has not been without controversy – who can forget when Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson performed together and a ‘wardrobe malfunction’ caused Justin’s twinkie to make an impromptu entrance or the time when Madonna sang live, or the time when Madonna mimed, or the time when Madonna snogged Britney, or the time when Madonna, well you get the idea…
Last night marked the 50th year of this stupendously dull non event and to celebrate some of the biggest names in over-blown horse shit were invited along.
First off, Beyoncé took to the stage to show precisely how licious her booty really is, reading some avant-garde Beat poetry and showing off her paper folding skills, before Lady Gaga did impressions of Eighties British TV stars including Frank Spencer, Frank Bruno and Metal Mickey.
And then the main event. Coldplay – joined by Rick Ashtray from the nineties and Wivenhoe’s very own part-time mayor, Dame Dannii Minogue – played a series of tuneless dirges about conscious uncoupling, macrobiotic yogurt and the movie Sliding Doors before shuffling apologetically off the stage so that we could get back to the important business of sport.
Merica’s new President, Donald Trumpet, summed up the national mood when he later told The Wisconsin Watcher: “Those limey douchebags are the precise reason I’m banning foreigns of any kind coming into this green and unpleasant land. It’s Muslims and homosexuals like them that are dragging us back to the dark ages. Where’s Billy Ray Cyrus when you need him?”
Can’t wait to see what next year’s spectacular holds, yawn…